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27 March 2006 @ 03:19 pm
¡Cinescape! (because no one's demanding it)  
Joel McHale recently said that ABC's According to Jim should carry the following warning card before each show:

According to Jim
According to Jim

And really, EVERYONE should be warned about that. Taking that to the next step, EVERYONE should pretty much know that a Jim Belushi movie--well, one will be left wanting. In the grand film making tradition of K-9, Red Heat, Curly Sue (which I can actually forgive a bit, since I'm a sucker for Kelly Lynch--yes, I watch Road House from time to time...keep quiet in the back!) and countless other movies that have the Jim Belushi taint, Cinescape proudly presents The Palermo Connection, also known as Oublier Palerme (in France) aka To Forget Palermo. Sadly, the Spanish title of it escapes me--I'll look it up later, if it can be found.

Jim Belushi plays Carmine Bonavia, who has been elected mayor of New York on a drug legalization platform. He get married--to Carrie, played by Mimi Rogers--and they head out to Sicily for their honeymoon. Woo. They get there and all of a sudden it just became a blur to me. Using my tried method of watching a movie to see if it puts me to sleep--well then it wasn't worth really watching, you know--didn't work. The thing kept me awake, for most of its running time, even. There's no way I could tell you what happened in an detail, because while it kept me awake it didn't keep my attention. It was more like checking to see if the thing was still on. And it was interminable, it seems. One moment Carmine's enjoying his honeymoon. Another moment he opens a door and there's a sultry Sicilian woman looking to seduce him. I take it for granted that the woman was Sicilian, it wasn't a point of contention, per se. Carmine grins at her, and slams the door in her face. It is quite possible that there was some Telefutura editing going on there, but since it was on after midnight, that's fairly unlikely. Moments later, Carmine's in the middle of a crowd, and ends up killing someone. Who knows who that could've been. It was interesting, however, that he and his wife not only had Italian news crews following him around, but crews from America and Japan as well. Sicily must not get mayors from foreign cities very often?

Mimi Rogers seems to try her hardest with what she's given, and it's not much: a bad dye job with even worse dialog--though that could be partially blamed on the dubbing. In 16 years, it doesn't seem like she's changed all that much--though she should be given quite a bit of credit for divorcing that Xenu lover, Tom Cruise. Everyone else involved, well, I couldn't tell you who they were, even after looking them up in IMDB. Looking even more closely, it's funny to notice that Gore Vidal is given a writing credit--his only one in 1990, and his most recent one, it seems.

It's been something to figure out a rating scale for this, possibly regular, thing. Thrown lumps of monkey feces would make all the movies seem like they're, uh...stinkers, and that won't necessarily be the case. So, we'll go with bananas. Fair enough? The Palermo Connection earns, barely, 1/2 a banana (and it'd be one of those spotted leopard skin bananas that is on its way to the trash, but you eat it because you're SO hungry and there's nothing else to eat...oh, you don't do that?).

The 1/2 a banana (out of a possible five) rating is due more to the fact that it made me wish I could see MST3K's treatment of Final Justice (with Joe Don Baker) again than any actual merit of its own. Heck, even without the MST3K commentary, I'd still not mind seeing it again. At least Joe Don made me laugh, if unintentionally.

Coming soon...¡Submarinos!! Yes, Submarines is the name of it.
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